She
looked at me in shock. The professor of
a class on cultural competence had asked all the students in her classroom if
any of them had felt discriminated against because of who they chose to love. There was one story about a bi-racial
couple. Then there was silence. I was expecting a same-sex couple story, or
one about someone dating a much older or much younger person. I heard the "crickets" in the room,
so to speak, as no one responded, so I raised my hand.
It was confusing, I'm sure. What's a 21-year-old white, heterosexual
female from a middle class background doing talking about discrimination? When I was chosen to speak and told my story,
people were honestly surprised. 5 years,
I began to date the boy who is now my husband.
We were young and we were not into anything we shouldn't have been. But that did not stop my small, private
Christian high school from deeming this relationship ungodly. As members of the prestigious leadership team,
Chris and I were not supposed to be dating, especially since we were both on
the team. This is why our parents told
us not to even say we were "dating".
We were only allowed to go out in groups with people. We told almost no one at the school and we
did not act any differently than we had before as just
"friends". We, did, however,
change our Facebook relationship statuses, and that changed everything.
You might be asking how I faced
discrimination. Sounds like I brought the trouble upon myself, huh? This is only the beginning...
The day that the headmistress of the
school and her daughter (one of the leaders of the missions trip I was to
attend that following summer), brought me into a room to talk. I knew this could either be good or bad. Sometimes these meetings signaled a request
for a special responsibility. Maybe I
would finally be able to lead my own group of middle-schoolers on the Spring
trip rather than just "help".
I remember she told me to bring my lunch that I just heated with
me. But once she started talking, I felt
like doing anything but eating. The
question was: am I going out with someone on campus. I said: "Yes, I am." "Is it with Chris?" "Yes, Ma'am." After this, I got the classic: "How
could you do such a thing? You know that
this is not appropriate for your position and it makes the school look
bad? We must be beyond reproach in our
example."
I was honestly not concerned about
this. I was concerned about how she
found out. We thought we had covered all
our bases. Darn Facebook. We had been found out by a fellow classmate
and it was told to the people in charge.
Don't always trust Facebook people...
Then, as I was being questioned and
brought to the point of tears, I saw my mother walking up to the building
through the window. She was coming to
play piano for the school choir. I gave
her one look through the window and her Mama Bear instincts turned on. She came in and the meeting pretty much ended
there. Later on, Chris's parents met
with the school. My mother revealed to
me that she was instructed by the school on how to handle Chris and I's
relationship. She ignored it. She told me that, although some Christians
believe they can tell others what to do with their lives, it is still
wrong. Christ never called school
teachers or spiritual leaders to force their instructions for living on other
Christians.
Now, we were instructed by our parents
to follow every rule as closely as possible on the spring trip. Of course, I felt targeted the entire
trip. After months of warnings that I
may steer Chris's heart away from the Lord, and being questioned about my
relationship by other class mates (whom I gave little information to), I was
pretty sure that if I made one wrong move, I would be the girl who brought the
entire school down. Chris bore a small
part of the blame in the situation.
Apparently he was being prepared to be a leader. I think I was just there to be an extra pair
of eyes to make sure kids weren't illegally walking on sand dunes or picking
sea oats, so I was expendable, so to speak.
On the trip, I found that many other of the leaders had relationships,
as well. And many of their parents came
on the trip in case they needed to defend their children. My parents were there because my sister was
in middle school. But my mom still came
to my rescue a couple times.
One night, I remember Chris and a group
of our friends were rushing back from dinner to put on the skit for the middle
schoolers. Chris tripped over a root and
hurt his ankle. Me and one other friend
(a male) turned and helped Chris waddle back inside. We set him up with ice and elevated his
foot. During the leader meeting that
evening, I took turns getting ice for Chris's foot. I was promptly grabbed by the arm and told to
sit on the other side of the room. I needed
to be beyond reproach, remember. Later
that night, I found that one of my good friends had supposedly become upset over
Chris and I’s relationship. She and
another friend talked to me on the porch of our hotel room. I remember screaming for my mother until she
finally showed up, and the girls could not get another word in. My mom told all of us to go to bed, and she
assured my friends that she and she alone would worry about parenting me. Granted, I believe wholeheartedly that my
friends thought they were helping. They
knew that any more wrong moves and I would be in serious trouble. At this time, a seed of bitterness began to
grow inside my heart. How could friends
and mentors I trusted all suddenly turn on me because I had done one thing they
did not like? There was no PDA. In fact, some people began to ask why Chris
was ignoring me so much. Chris and I
perfected snubbing one another. We
communicated through letters secretly delivered by only people we could trust
(which were all Chris's friends, by the way).
It was all I could do to wish for a quick senior year so I could move on
with my life.
As time went on, I began to lose faith
in myself. I became bitter. I became convinced that God could not use me,
especially not at school. I literally
trusted no one anymore at that school.
Although I now know that many of the people who seemed to hate me were
simply trying to follow the rules and keep me from getting into more trouble, I
felt betrayed. Christians are supposed
to uphold one another in love, not try to run each other's lives! Following that junior year of high school was
period of rebellion in my heart. You
brought up anything that happened in that high school and words of bitterness
would flow from my mouth. I became
someone I did not need to be.
That's the problem with Christianity
sometimes. You try so hard to become
above reproach, you become reproachful.
You point out everything that's wrong in everyone else and it's supposed
to make you feel better. You're helping them stay on the straight and
narrow. Or you do the exact opposite.
I do not think now that anyone at my
school hated me. I think they just
misunderstood me. I do not think they
meant to hurt me, they just did not take the time to ask how I felt.
I remember how my professor looked at me
when I finished the story. She said:
"This is a Christian school?"
Yes.
Yes it is.
In the book Mere Christianity by C.S.
Lewis, he speaks of the Great Sin. He
states: "There is one vice of which no man in the world is free; which
everyone in the world loathes when he sees it in someone else; and of which
hardly any people...imagine they are guilty of themselves." This sin is pride. As Christians, we are taught that pride comes
before a fall. We are taught that Satan's
pride is what had him thrown from heaven.
We are taught the Pharisee's pride in their piousness is what caused
Jesus to describe them as whitewashed tombs, teeming with stench and death on
the inside. How could any of this be
present in our lives as Christians and go unnoticed? Simple.
We begin to view Christianity as something we do, instead of something
God does through us.
This sounds harsh, but I know it from it
happening in myself. I prided myself in
being the exact opposite of the people in my school my senior year. I avoided anyone I had been on the leader
team with. I assumed they wanted nothing
to do with me. I turned up my nose at
their so-called "stereotypical Christianese" mindsets. Somehow I had transcended all this. But I was not conceited. Alas, C.S. Lewis writes that "If you
think you are not conceited, you are very conceited indeed."
I was conceited, I was bitter. I was
tired of trying to be above reproach.
What does that even mean anyway? In 1st Timothy 3, Paul speaks to
Timothy about the overseers and the deacons over the church. He states: "Now the overseer must be
above reproach". This means to be
above blame or criticism. My school was
basing this principle off the Bible. If you are going to lead others, lead with
a good and pure example. I think that is great.
What I do not think is great is that it becomes so easy to and deflect
the areas of our lives that are not above reproach by being reproachful to
others. This means we point out their
faults and emphasize the blame we think they have. In other words, we become
like the Pharisees. This is why C.S.
Lewis described pride as the Great Sin.
What better to way to ignore the hurt in our pride from messing up, by
pointing out the wrongdoing in others?
So, in the end, we were all wrong. The school, my friends, and most importantly:
me. But here is how the discrimination
comes in. The best definition I found
was this from the online dictionary: "treatment or consideration of, or
making a distinction in favor of or against, a person or thing based on the
group, class, or category to which that person or thing belongs, rather than on
personal merit."
In other words, this is like judging
others and then acting on it, instead of keeping it to ourselves. Now Jesus warned us not to judge others, lest
we ourselves be judged. I have gotten
into many a debate over this. But Julia,
it is good that we judge other Christian's behaviors so that we can help them
steer clear of bad stuff. Yes, that is
all good and well, but not every Christian you meet wants you as their personal
accountability partner. And another
thing, are you trying to pull a speck out of your friend's eye while you still
have a plank in yours? They are not
going to it seriously. We must examine
our hearts carefully when making judgments.
We must not judge people on generalizations other than individual
merit. At my school, I always felt there
were unspoken categories of people.
There were the favorites, or class pets.
There were the good girls, the good boys, and then there were the bad
one. Many times the people in the bad
categories were simply misunderstood, because people judged them because of the
group they fit with rather than getting to know them personally.
Welcome to the American Church. Again, a harsh statement, but I have been to
many churches that reminded me of my high school, to an extent. Being judgmental was no big deal. Bible studies turned into gossip sessions. People ostracized because of how they dress,
what their hair looks like, who their boyfriend or girlfriend is. And yes, I have seen much pride. That's why when I came to the current church
I am at, I was in shock. After what I
had been through at school, large groups of Christians hanging out in one place
seemed a little scary to me. I hoped no
one would judge me on how I dressed, or on the fact that I had a boyfriend
(gasp). But I received the exact
opposite. Chris and I found great
friends there. Friends that did not care
about making sure we gave off the right image in our relationship, friends who
did not pass judgment and friends who did not offer "advice" without
asking first. We eventually began to
serve in the church. I used to think I
would never serve in a religious setting again.
I figured people would find some reason I was not fit to represent the
church. That has never happened. If anything, I still lack confidence when I
serve because the flashbacks of things I went through in the past are still
there. But I am working through it. My church now taught me that it is wrong to
hold on to bitterness because we felt betrayed by religion. My church gave me a place where I could share
privately with someone I trusted and know the information would not be the
center of a "prayer" meeting.
Last year, Chris and I got married at the church in the presence of our
family and friends. We have had no end
to the blessings and love poured on us by others who have been through life and
who want only to help us succeed. Thanks
to January 3rd, 2008, and to Chris, I have learned that Christianity can be a
place of reproach, judgment, and discrimination, but it doesn't have to be.
Hurt people hurt people, they teach you
in social work school. Honestly, I
think that this is why many churches and Christian organizations find
themselves caught in the situation I was in.
When our pride is hurt, we think hurting another person might make us
feel better. People who have faced
discrimination in the past because of their race, orientation, gender, etc.
often become bitter and take it out on the others. It doesn't make what happened to them wrong,
it just makes it harder for them to move on.
Trust me, I know. We, as
Christians, often judge others under the guise that we are trying to help the
person stay in the right with God. News
flash: that's not our place. We can
offer advices and tidbits of wisdom when appropriate, but my mother was
right. It is not up to us as Christ
followers to tell our brothers and sisters how to live. We need to remember that we only see the
outward appearance but God looks at the heart.
Finally, I want to remind all of you
that the people who ran the school I went to, I believe, honestly love the Lord
and want to honor him. I am not, for one
minute, comparing them to the Pharisees or anything like that. I am simply trying to show an example of how
things can get out of hands when us as Christians try to keep up appearances
instead of simply living the way God instructs.
Yes, high school should not be riddled with relationship drama. Christian schools should not encourage PDA or
premarital sex or anything like that.
But I honestly believe, in my situation, things got a little out of
hand.
Oh well, it's in the past now. I just really wanted to share my story and I
wanted others to know how important this day is to me because it changed my
life. I want to apologize for all the
judgment I've passed on my school and my classmates. I know you all were only
trying to help. I know we all just did
not quite understand each other. Thank
you. I would not be where I am today
without the people at my high school and the experience I had there. I would not be where I am today without
Chris, without our parents' guidance, without Momentum Church, and most
importantly...I would not be where I am today without God. I would probably a bitter college student
finding any logical reason why I should not be a Christ follower because I was
burned so badly.
Don't give up hope if you have ever felt
like you aren't good enough for God. God
knows you aren't, and that's why His son Jesus to die for all your sins, past
present and future. All He asks is that
you accept this gift and strive to live the rest of your life according to His
word. Yes, you will meet people who have
many different interpretations of what it means to be a Christian, but hold on
to your faith and listen to God and search His word. He will guide you. And the blessings will surpass your wildest
dreams.
Love
and peace,
Julia
