Mediocrity

Oh glorious mediocrity
So bland and diffused
Your pleasant simplicity
Leaves me so confused

Why do I feel that I am
Talented and artistic?
Then life hits - with a slam
My dreams are not realistic

Mediocrity, killer of purpose
Discouraging the bright from shining
No one on earth deserves this
Plucking their wings for flying

No one wants to be average
Or hover around the mean
We all need a little leverage
To help ourselves be seen

We climb those corporate ladders
We compete in professional leagues
We demean ourselves with chatter
That helps us to believe

That maybe our lives aren't worthless
Or boring as school time lectures
Really we just mask the hurt of this
Life lacking depth and texture

If we took time to stop and think
That we are fine the way we are
Mediocrity would not dare to sink
The wishes we place upon a star

Don't succumb to the deceit
That wealth and fame employ
Don't let fear of the average defeat
The dreams that you enjoy

Your life is what you make it to be
You are the painter holding your brush
Don't shy away from mediocrity
Rather, just stand up and tell it to hush

Become who you dreamed of when you were small
Don't be afraid to stand apart
Because in the end, what prevails over all
Is the dream inside your heart

There is Life After Death

Death, you bring such great sorrow
Like the sting of rain on a cold day
Death, you take my will for tomorrow
And chase all my good dreams away

Where did all my loved ones go?
What happened to the times we shared?
I begged for them to stay, but no,
They were taken and I left, scared

Would I ever see my friends again?
How can I be sure where they are?
Maybe there's life beyond grave, I'll pretend
I'm not sure heaven is real so far

Then I heard the gentle crash
Of peace against the raging emotion
I had tried so hard to stash
In the depths of my depressed ocean

Can it be true that there is One
Who conquered the grave's nasty sting?
One who did what they said couldn't be done
And causes my soul to sing?

Hallelujah, Death, you don't scare me now
I no longer cower when you appear
When I die, I'll be safe and sound
With my Savior holding me near

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This poem explores the intense feeling a person may feel when they are not sure that they know Heaven is a real place and are completely overwhelmed and depressed by thoughts of death or wondering what happened to their loved ones.  After reading poetry of Emily Dickinson in Lit class, I realized that her poems focused so much on death because she was trying to understand it and what would happen to her when I died.  I wrote this from the perspective of someone like her who is searching for the truth and in the end finds God.

There is no wisdom, no insight, no plan
   that can succeed against the LORD. Proverbs 21:30
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Happy Monday, everyone!  I know nobody likes Mondays, but they seem to be good blogging days for me :-P
I hope everyone enjoyed their Easter celebrating the power and magnitude of what God has done for us!  I hope each one of you experienced the new life that you have through the death and resurrection of Christ.

On another note, I would like you to take a moment to read the scripture verse at the beginning of the post.  All right, so why did I put that verse there?  Well, last night, my fiance and I were talking over budgets and finances with his parents.  Planning a life together can be very difficult and it takes a lot of time.  Everything looked good.  Then came the scary question:

"What will you do if one of you loses a job?"

To be honest, we live in an economy where usually both the husband and wife have to work.  I know many couples like that.  Part of me wonders if they all had this scary of a question posed to them when they were working on finances.  It can be easy at this time we live in to lose a job.  People get laid off, companies shut down, contracts fall through, etc.  However, I realized that a lot of what I have based my future plans on is rooted in conventional wisdom.

There is nothing wrong with conventional wisdom.  However, a lot of people I have talked to say that Chris and I should just wait to get married until one of us has degree and a job with benefits, etc.  Yes, that would be wise because we would not have to worry about money.  However, the Lord has called us to something different.  I always say, the Lord pays for what He orders.  For example, my church will start paying staff members in May, the same month that finances start to go down because families go on vacation over summer, etc.  Conventional wisdom would say that my pastor should wait to pay his staff until the school year starts back and families attend more regularly.  However, my pastor knows that this is what the Lord wants him to do.  And the Lord will pay for what He has ordered. 

Here we get to the key point of the verse above.  No wisdom, no amount of earthly money or earthly job security can stand against the Lord.  Yes, we need to work hard and be good stewards of the finances the Lord has given.  However, we should not be stingy and we should not cling to our money or our jobs with clenched fists.  Why?  Because when you are holding everything you have before God with clenched fists, He has to pry open your hands to receive the things in your life that should be turned over to Him.  Everything in our lives belongs to Him and we should not hold it back.  We should come before him with open hands.  Be willing to say: "God, if I lose my job, I don't know what on earth I will do.  But you can do things that surpass earthly wisdom, so let me hand this job over to You."

I may seem crazy.  Why would I tell people not to worry about money or job security in an economy like this?  Well, I am not the first person to tell you not to worry.  Jesus Himself said "who, by worrying, can add a day to his life?".  The Lord will provide for you, for me, for our family and friends, for our churches, and our country.  I'm not perfect.  I have anxiety problems for heaven's sake!  But I have learned that I cannot add anything to my life by worrying.  It only makes things more depressing. 

Be open to throwing convention to the wind when God calls you to something that seems impossible.  Remember, all things are possible with God and you can to ALL THINGS through CHRIST who STRENGTHENS you!

Happy Monday again!
God Bless,
Julia

It's Monday, Monday...

First off, I want to say that while everyone makes fun of Rebecca Black for her Friday song, I don't think she cares because she's made millions.  I think I should write a song about how much I hate mondays and I can't wait for the weekend, make millions, and call it a day.

That still doesn't fix my problem of not being able to get up early enough to actually look decent on a monday morning...

I have a presentation in class this afternoon on Emily Dickinson.  I am working with two other people.  We are singing her poems and acting them out.  The tune that we are singing them to is none other than the Gilligan's Island theme song.  It's pretty ridiculous...Shoot.  I just remembered I was supposed to bring a camera to record the whole thing.  Oh well, what can I say?  It's monday, monday, I forget everything on muh-uhn-day...Can't wait for the weekend....

Anyway, I was thinking today about how much of a failure I feel like.  I am not really a failure, but sometimes I look at other people's lives and wonder how they managed to be so storybook happy.  Some days I feel that way, but others I feel like I've just been hit by a freight train.  You know, it could be that it's just because it's the first day of the week and I woke up 35 minutes late and have a presentation in Lit class today...that's probably most of the problem.  However, I know I need more confidence in myself and I need more confidence in my Savior.  I haven't been talking to Him as much as I should lately and I can tell by how bad I am feeling.  It's funny how a little prayer each day goes a long way...

God, please bless my friends and anyone reading this blog.  Please forgive me for being so self-centered that I forget to spend time with you and I forget the things that truly matter.  Thanks for Your grace and Your providence.  Show me what it means to love You, others, and myself.  Help my friends, readers, and I to shine Your light for You, even on Mondays when everything seems to drag along,
Love,
Julia

There's a little prayer for everyone today!  Monday doesn't have to be so bad after all...Who knows?  It could become the next friday?

Okay....maybe not.  Forget I wrote that :-P

Have a great week everyone!
Love,
Julia

Inferiority - it's Not from God!!

One thing I have been feeling all week is that I am inferior.

Why?  Because I see people I knew in high school who forced some good things to happen to them.  I almost think they did it to show off to others as if to say: "Look at me now!  You were mean to me in high school or you had something/someone I wanted.  Well, here I am, so happy and successful and where are you?"

Working a minimum wage job at Kennesaw State University and in debt for my college degree. I am taking a lot of medication (which when I tell people I often get the "why are you on so many drugs?") and I am in debt to the pulmonologist and allergist for finding out I have asthma and allergies.  Sometimes I wonder: why me?  Why can't I be happy like the other people I know?  Why don't I have a better paying job?  Why am I not married yet?  Why am I in debt with others aren't over school?  Why am I not a good enough Christian?

I often think that if I were a better Christian, my life could have gone better.  I could be going to college where I am not in debt.  Perhaps I could still be working a fast food job but perhaps with a management position so I make more money and qualify for some kind of health care.  Perhaps I could be married to the man of my dreams that I chased after for months until he married me...

Then I realized, why am I so whiny?

I have a "friend" who got married recently.  Lovely person, just doesn't seem to like me very much.  This friend was jealous of my relationship in high school.  This person wanted love and to be loved.  Who doesn't?  Well, they went to college, found a mate, and got married in an unbelievably short time frame.  I was jealous.  And I was not even invited to the wedding.  At one time, I thought that this person and I were super close.  What happened? 

I have been in a relationship with my fiance for 3 years.  We aren't getting married until december.  He's not rich and doesn't own his own business like my friend's spouse.  But is love all about riches?  Now that I think about it, I would not trade my fiance for anyone.  He's my best friend and God brought him into my life when I needed a friend.  Not when I needed a boyfriend, that part came later.  He came into my life when I needed someone to be a real friend to me.  God wrote the rest of the story.  Now we are engaged and getting married soon.

So why should I be jealous of someone else's happiness?

We live in a society that says: "I want it now and I want to make sure that I get the best to spite all the people that I think are better than me."  It's not always about being true to your friends, it's about one-upping and proving that you can do better than the next guy.  When did it become this way?  I don't think God intended for all of us to sit around and find ways to make others feel inferior.  Feeling inferior is what makes us want to one-up others.  If we can make ourselves look better than our friends, the feeling of inferiority goes away.  It's as simple as that. 

One thing I would challenge you to do, reader, is follow after God and don't feel hurt when people do things to make themselves look better.  Let God write the story to your life and trust that it will be more amazing than you can imagine.  Sure, you can force things to happen.  My old high school buddy is an example.  However, it's happier sometimes to be content and just wait for God to bring the next chapter of your life to you.  It's a lot less stressful and it's a lot more interesting than if you try to write it yourself.  Learn what I learned: don't be bitter because other people are "better off" than you are. If you are serving in the place where the Lord has placed you, you will be just fine.  And there's nothing to feel inferior about.

God is the ultimate storyteller.  May you let Him give you a story that is beyond what you can ever hope and dream.  Just say: "Lord, I will do what you command and follow where you lead" and forget about being better than anyone else.  The best way to reach out to others is to let them know that you care and that you don't look down upon them.

Thanks for reading my rant of the day.  Hopefully it speaks to you in some way or another,
Sincerely,
Julia

New Title to my Blog!!

Okay so I have not written in a long, long time.  I was actually inspired to write something again after reading my Fiancee's blog.  He posts on his blog more frequently then I post on mine and I am the writer of the couple, lol.

Well, since I have last written, lots of things have changed in my life.  Hence, the new title.  For the past few weeks, I have struggled with wondering how I will get through some of the turmoil of life altering changes.  That's when I realized that I can because God can.

It's a funny thing how you seem to do better when you stop worrying about how to get things done and just trust God to get you through.

Now, does this mean that I am perfect and have mastered the art of doing all things through Christ who strengthens me?  No.  I still try and do things my way most of the time, because I am still learning to be the college student that could (through Christ).  It's so easy for me to get discouraged by earthly things.  For example, I got engaged on February 11th.  Now I have to figure out how to plan a wedding without spending an arm and a leg.  A month after I got engaged, I got a huge doctor bill for 700$ and I have two more bills coming.  Georgia changed the HOPE scholarship so I went from owing only $500 dollars per semester to owing more like $1200.  My dad lost his night job (which was a part time and paying him fairly well).  So all these things happened last month.  Until the third week of March, I had been so excited being engaged.  I wasn't feeling anxious or depressed, despite being diagnosed with Asthma and finding out I have a severe dust/dust mite allergy.  Everything was starting to make sense and I was starting to feel more confident in myself.

Then those changes came.  The anxiety got a little worse.  I started to hyper-focus on the little things that don't matter (that's the OCD coming out) and worry about my bank account falling below a certain number.  I worried about what I would do if I had to buy new clothes or if my computer broke.  How would I pay for everything?  How was I going to pay for a wedding now, much less move out on my own?  How would Chris and I pay for my medication?

Well, God works in mysterious ways.

My dad just got a check for over $2000 dollars and has 15 laptops being fed-exed to the house.  He got a contract job restoring laptops.  He has a couple of people interested in him and he could get these jobs every other month or so.  Chris (my fiancee) is going to help him and make 15 bucks an hour!!  I found out that my inhalers and my singulair (asthma pills) are free on my current insurance plan and I found a health plan for Chris and I to enroll in who uses the same pharmacy provider as my parent's plans.  This could mean that I can receive similar benefits even when I change insurance companies (at least that's what the pharmacy insurers told me).  We'll see.  Also, I am taking four classes this summer because the HOPE benefits don't change until fall 2011.  I will only owe around $350 for my summer semester.  My doctor was able to set me up on a payment plan to pay off my bills and I am able to use the doctor's at KSU clinic for my check-ups and to get refills of my maintenance drugs (and it doesn't cost anything to see those doctors cause I'm a student!!).

As far as wedding stuff goes, I got a dress at an unbelievably good price and I am toying with the idea of wearing sparkly silver Tom's for the reception!  I have a wonderful church where I want to have the ceremony and the reception and a great member of the church who caters.  Also, one of my best friends is creating the cake!  It is going to be delicious.  Now all I really have to do is focus on how I want to decorate and finding a good (and fairly priced) photographer.  If any of my readers know one, please let me know!!

So that's my post.  I am not too concerned about how I will make it through the day anymore because I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!  And anytime I forget that, He is there to pick me back up and help me start anew.  Gotta love God's grace!!

Be Blessed,
Julia