Introduction

For those of you who do not know, I am one of the approximately 40 million Americans who suffer an anxiety disorder (source: www.anxietysupportnetwork.com).  Anxiety is a strange thing.  Many people suffer minor anxiety for short periods of time in their lives.  Others suffer from it constantly.  According to the DSM-IV manual for diagnosing anxiety disorders, Generalized Anxiety Disorder is characterized by several symptoms.  One of them is suffering from anxiety more days than not for six consecutive months.  That is what I have.  This disorder causes problems with my moods and my nervous system.  People with GAD tend to suffer chronic muscle tension, have poor concentration, and have trouble sleeping.  Also, panic attacks can go along with this issue.
For years, I have suffered from obssesive-compulsive behaviors which are mostly linked to my fear of not being good enough for God, church, or religion.  Recently, I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Depression, which stemmed from the chronic anxiety.  These disorders are caused by a dysfunction of the re-uptake of a neurotransmitter in the brain called serotonin.  The neurons in your brain carry electrical impulses to other parts of your brain in order to regulate your bodily functions.  When the neurons get rid of serotonin (in a process called re-uptake) too quickly, it can harm the stability your moods, which can lead to anxiety and depression.  While it is not very common, some people's anxiety is triggered by perfectionism that is linked to religiosity.
So am I against religion or Christianity?  NO WAY!  I believe that Jesus Christ is the only way to heaven.  I believe that every word of the Bible is God-breathed and effective for teaching others the Good News.  What I do not believe is that you have to be "good enough" for God in order to make it to heaven.  Some pastors I have heard in the past preach that if you have not confessed every single sin at the time of your death, you will not make it into heaven because God cannot have sin in His presence.  If you know your Bible, you know that God sent His son to die because none of us could ever possibly be good enough. 
As a child, I suffered from obsessive compulsive behaviors.  Some of these still manifest themselves today.  While I was told I do not meet the criteria for OCD in every factor, I still suffer the oppressive obsessions with being "good enough".  At ten years old, I was terribly afraid I had blasphemed the name of God.  The thoughts of being a horrible person filled my child-like mind.  I lost sleep over obsessing whether or not I was still good enough to go to heaven.  I memorized bible verses and paced back and forth reciting them as if I were casting off a demon spirit or something.  Have you ever heard of hoarding?  Mostly people hoard physical objects.  Instead, I hoarded away scripture verses and religious sayings to make myself sure that I would reach heaven.
The only problem I encountered came in high school.  THe School I attended was very old fashioned in their teaching of Christianity. It was more works-centered than anything else.  Even all the tools I had stored up to ward off my religious anxiety were no match for the holiness of the school director, her huband, son-inlaw, and daughter.  Actually, I was never good enough for her.  Although I was a perfectionist like many of the other teenage girls, she always seemed to like me the least.  When I started dating my boyfriend, that was the last straw.  Jesus wasn't my everything anymore, they told me.  This spun my anxiety in high gear.  I feared even being in the room with this woman and her "favorites".  I lost friendships because of not being "religious" or "good enough".  I bit my nails down to the quick with nervousness everytime I went to servant leader meetings.  People shook their heads at me and acted as if I had lost all hope of being good enough for Christianity. 
What I forgot was that I am perfect through Christ, not my own doing or the approval of other religious figures.  God knows I can't do life on my own.  That's why He is there to help me.  While I am not mad or holding anything against the people at my high school, I pray that they will know the freedom that comes from following Christ, not religion.  I hope they will realize that they can't do anything good enough for God on their own.  Remember that God is not sitting up in heaven keeping score of people's sins and good deeds.  His grace is sufficient for us.  While we should not live only depending on grace and we should always try to follow God's commands, we should remember that messing up can always be forgiven.  God will always forgive us. 
My walk with Christ has been hard at times.  I love God with all my heart and I am grateful for my church, Momentum, that is supportive of me at all times.  I know I can trust my church family to be there for me in the hard times.  Momentum is full of people who know that religion alone cannot get you into heaven.  They understand that Christ is the only way to heaven.  We are just one of many churches who have learned that Christianity is about freedom in Christ. 
I will use this blog to post more interesting tidbits about anxiety, Christianity, and different issues in the church today.  If you have any suggestions, please let me know :)
God Bless,
Julia