If there is one thing I have learned from my three and a half years of being in a relationship, it's that my wonderful and amazing fiancee is not always perfect. He has had to realize that I am not perfect. Especially in fights/issues that pop up between our mutual friends, Chris and I have had to learn not to be biased toward one another just because we are in a relationship. Nothing bugs me more than the couples who will defend each other to no end and not acknowledge the fact that they are both capable of doing something wrong...
GASP! - you may say. "Are you telling me that my perfect, beautiful, amazing significant other could have done something wrong? That is not possible! They are always just misunderstood by others and it's not their fault."
This is the most destructive thing for a relationship, in my opinion. You need to understand 1. that you are capable of doing something wrong, 2. that your spouse/significant other/fiancee is capable of doing wrong, 3. that you both need to not automatically assume that each other is right when confronted by an outside party about some misunderstanding.
Take for example, a situation between a group of friends. Some of the friends happen to be in a relationship with one another. Chris and I are being told that we are doing wrong but when we are wronged, the other parties involved say:
"Well, my boyfriend could not have done that. Chris is just overreacting!" Or "My girlfriend is a saint and handles her emotions very well. Julia is just having one of those emotional girl episodes and you (Chris) need to control her better."
Can I tell you all that this has happened to Chris and I before? It's childish, it's stupid, and it's really melodramatic. But guess, we all do it. We all get involved in it. No one wants their side of the story to be the one that gets the blame. Unfortunately, there are some personalities who have the charisma to get everyone they love to stand up for them, even when they are wrong. As a child, my parents were not the ones to say:
"My baby would never do that!"
if they got a bad behavior report about me. They would talk to the parties involved, determine what happened, and give me the proper share of the blame. This way, I have learned that in most disagreement, some blame goes to all parties involved.
Please, those of you in relationships out there, don't hurt friendships by constantly defending your significant other. If your loved one does something to hurt one of your mutual friends, realize that there is always more to an argument than what it appears on the surface. Realize that either party in the relationship will be reluctant to take any blame and realize that just because one of the people involved is in a romantic relationship with you, that you don't have to pretend that they did nothing wrong.
Being in a relationship with someone means being able to see the good and bad in the other person and being able to help reinforce the good things and help to reduce the bad traits. It's a mutual thing. I am very against coddling your partner because it tends to drain you, always having to defend them like your their angry parent after they got into a fight with someone on the playground. Treat them as your equal and your friend. You would not let your best friend do something stupid, why would you excuse your significant other's stupid choices? If you are afraid to speak up to your significant other when they are blatantly wrong, then there are other issues going on. You need to know them and trust them well enough that if they are being stupid, you will say something and that you are being stupid, they will say something to you.
Being in a relationship is not about spoiling each other. It's about building each other up and being accountable to one another. Many couples are successfully able to help one another overcome weaknesses and build on strengths. That is what I desire my marriage to be like. That is why I will say that I know I can be stupid and I know Chris can be stupid. However, we can work together to overcome our difficulties. If we are unable to see that each one of us has a capability for being wrong, it will make our relationship and our social life quite complicated.
That is all! I hope that no one took this as a "diss" or "bash". I am not perfect. I am just writing about something I have observed and seen happening in myself and I wanted to share some insight I gained.
Thanks,
Julia
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