I am going to be brutally, painstakingly honest in this post. Lately I have been feeling that my life can be considered mediocre at best. From realizing that I am not the best author in the world to getting denied for scholarships because there were others who were more "academically qualified" than me to planning a budget wedding, I find myself wallowing in my own discouragement. I have a strong Choleric side to my temperament (for those of you who do not know temperament lingo, a Choleric is a mover and hates feeling like a failure)and it has manifested itself often for my whole life. I remember telling my parents when I was 10 that I was going to drop out of my dance for the Nutcracker Ballet because I wasn't the best and the teacher kept getting annoyed with me. I felt that she had no right to treat me the way she was and I was sick of being embarrassed in front of my classmates because I could do the dances well enough.
I've always been a type "A" personality. This has caused me a lot of unneeded stress. Who wants to spend their whole life competing with friends and family to have things they will never have and be someone they will never be? Well, that's what I've been trying to do for years. I have never felt good enough by my own standards. Heck, I am not even good enough by the standards of other people (take the scholarship committee at KSU, for example). I realize that to people like my fiancee and my family and friends, I am someone very special. However, I need to learn to be happy with that fact alone and stop trying to make everyone else in the world feel that same way about me. I love having a support system who is always proud of my achievements. Sometimes, they still were not able to convince me to not quit something just because I only got average results. There was a time when I wanted to quit college. I felt that I couldn't master anything and I would never find something I was truly good at. Finally, I found something I love and have a passion for and can also get really good grades in, too. Sociology is a passion of mine and I intend to get a job in that field or relating to that field, even if it is kind of a mediocre job.
In sociological theory, there are two major viewpoints. One is Conflict Theory, which focuses on society teaching that the rich should oppress the poor. There is not much room for middle class in this form of society. I lean more towards the functionalist viewpoint. In a functionalist society, it is necessary to have a low, middle, and upper class. I feel that financially, my family has always been middle class. Technically, my fiancee and I will still be considered on the low end of the middle class financially when we move out because we make more than $18 K a year combined. So we will have a "just okay" yearly salary with a "just okay" little apartment and some "just okay" health insurance and an average sized TV. We won't be nothing special. What's the use in keeping up with the Jones's when the Jones's are people we can never be?
The reality is that Chris (my fiancee) and I play important roles in society. We are both working on college educations, which will improve our salaries and get us better health benefits. We will then be able to buy a house and maybe a new car. We're just two hard working people who are really stubborn. We usually don't give up, even if we aren't the best. And that's what make society work. If everyone who is not the richest or the most powerful member of society gives up, we end up with a small upper class and a huge lower class just waiting for the benevolence of one of the rich guys to help them afford toilet paper. That is not the ideal for society. What I have realized is that I may not be anyone special. I may not be a good enough writer or singer to become famous. I may never earn a doctorate degree or win national recognition for some huge career advancement or achievement. However, God still wants me to keep living and doing the best I can. Why should I try to be the best when God tells me to consider others better than myself? It's not about being the best. It's about loving God and loving others.
One more area in life where I feel mediocre is my wedding. I know that it is going to be one of the most memorable days of my life. I will be ecstatic either way. But I can't help feeling that my good friend who is getting married next year will have a much nicer wedding. I can't help but feeling that my friends who got married last year had better weddings than I will have. So-and-So had or will have a more expensive wedding dress than me, what's-her-name has a bigger diamond on her ring than I do, and the Who's-its are going to have more people at their wedding. Why do women have to be so competitive??? I don't want to be a remake of the movie Bride Wars!! Kate Hudson and Anne Hathaway did good enough as it is...
Sometimes it's just very easy to get caught up in what everyone else is doing. Why should I try to make my wedding be just like someone else's? Better yet, why should go into debt up to my eyeballs in order to have a more expensive, fancier wedding than my friends? That's not what it's all about! It's about me and my fiancee sharing our love for each other and making a commitment to stay together in front of our family and friends. I don't keep to wear a dress shaped like a cream puff and have a diamond as big as a ring pop candy to prove that I am in love. Weddings have become too much of a competition and too much about social status and less about the sacred bond that the bride and groom make with one another. I know that my wedding will be special because it is the day that I leave my mother and father and my groom and I will become one flesh. there's no point in trying to one up anyone, especially not for your wedding.
So, long story short, I am still considering myself average, middle class, slightly mediocre, but fulfilled through God. Having all the prestige and riches in the world could not make me as a happy and satisfied as the love of my Savior. I still want money and I still want to be the best and most popular person I can be, but I am not trying so hard to reach those goals. From here on out, I take things one day at a time and rely on God to fulfill me and let Him lift me up rather than me trying to do so myself. It's funny how God knocks people off of their pedestals. He has done that with me because I often get a little too proud of myself. It may not seem evident to those around me, but it happens. Whether I vocalize it or not, I greatly value personal achievement. However, I value my relationship with God and my relationship with my loved ones enough to stop striving for what I can't have. Climbing to the top of the ladder of success is not worth risking relationships and friendships. Thank God I realized this before it was too late.
There's my very honest blog post! I hope you readers have a great rest of the week!
Love,
Julia
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